puppy love

I had two first "coffee" dates this past weekend, one at 4:30 on Friday, one at 4:30 on Saturday, both on patios, one lasting two hours, one lasting an hour and a half, both with women I'd met online, both with women close to my age. And both of them had seen my film. I guess I can't call them blind dates because I'd seen their pictures and we'd chatted a bit but they were blind enough as far as I was concerned.
They were both lovely women. The conversation was fairly easy, we got along, we laughed etc etc. There were moments in the Friday date where I felt a bit like I was interviewing her for some "Lovable" followup and I felt like I talked a bit too much on both of the dates but I think for a first meeting, they both went fine.
Each of them resembled the kind of women I'd been friends with in my life, with a slight edge to Friday's woman. Neither of them particularly resembled "my type" but even as I write that, I'm thinking that doesn't really mean anything anymore, if it ever did. Friday's date was in the West end of the city, close to where I live; Saturday's date I travelled to the East end. That may partly explain why Friday's gal has a slight edge in this non-race.
There was no overt flirting on either date and I'm not sure there was even any covert either. They were friendly meetings. On second thought maybe the one on Friday had some flirting but way in the background. Or at least it seemed slighly clearer with Friday's woman that sex played a part in her online search.
Friday's woman emailed yesterday and said she'd like to proceed. I have a feeling Saturday's woman won't do the same which might mean I'll have to email her and I'm not sure what I'll say. I'm not sure what to do with either of them actually but with Saturday's gal, presumably doing nothing would work.

It's not that I don't want anything to happen with either of these women. I don't know what my proof is but I guess I think, on principle anyway, that if two reasonably sympatico people spend time together and continue to enjoy the conversation, eventually some kind of intimacy would be created, especially if both parties are interested in taking things in that direction. I know that sounds cold and theoretical but it is kind of theoretical for me.

I've had the thought in the last few years that I should be trying to pursue relationships in a more mature way, rather than falling back on old patterns. That means deemphasizing chemistry and sexual attraction which more or less ruled my choices my entire adult life.
I don't think I ever articulated this but I think I must have believed, once upon a time anyway, that sexual chemistry was sort of "God's way" of telling you "this person has been chosen for you". In other words, sexual chemistry may be the first thing you notice but that's just the tip of the iceberg in your potential compatibility and if you spend time with that person, little by little that compatibility will be uncovered.
I guess that almost sounds ignorant now.
There was only one woman in my life with whom I had a strong sexual connection AND a real friendship. But she was so profoundly unavailable that I hesitate to include her. She lived out of town. She wasn't prepared to move and I always had the feeling that if I had suggested moving myself, she would have panicked. I think she liked it the way it was, particularly how the separation made our time together that much more intense. So we talked on the phone a lot, had intense phone sex, and saw each other once a month for a few years before she broke up with me, supposedly to allow me to find a woman with whom I could have a child.... which she was not interested in.
She was pretty well the only woman I've ever been involved with for any length of time where I didn't feel that we were essentially compromising our needs for friendship and companionship in order to play out our sexual connection. So when I fantasize about the possibility of a relationship with friendship, intimacy, sharing, support AND passionate sex, I only have one example from the past and that example is so compromised, I can barely allow myself to count it.
And that makes me think that I should try and de-emphasize the necessity of sexual chemistry. But I'm not sure that's possible.

In the last year, I have found myself experiencing tender feelings for two new female friends. I'm saying "tender" because that's the only word I think I can get away with. In other words, in each case there were moments where I felt like I was falling in love but I can't use those phrases with confidence, because those feelings were never returned.
With the first of these women, I decided to tell her how I felt. But before I could, she sensed that something was coming and headed me off by informing me that she didn't feel the same way about me. With the second woman, I've decided not to even think about saying something, not just to save myself the embarrassment but also for strategic reasons. If I ever did say something to her - and I'm not sure I ever will - I wanted to make sure I didn't say it too soon. I think I have a tendency to get ahead of things when I start feeling something for a woman and if there is any potential there, I don't want to blow it. .
I know she likes me. I know that she knows we have a connection. I know that she's noticed how quickly that connection developed and how quickly our conversations reached a level of intimacy. More than a few times she's told me things and then said either "I don't know why I'm telling you this" or "I haven't told this to anybody else".
Like I say, I know I have a tendency to get ahead of myself but once upon a time, when I met a woman and we found ourselves drifting towards each other, spending more time together, opening up to each other, telling each other things we hadn't told anyone else, there was a reasonable possibility we were moving towards more than friendship. These days, that just doesn't seem true.
I can't figure it out.
But maybe the answer is simple. It's all in my head.
I'm lonely and I want a girlfriend.
Or to put it the way one woman in my film puts it, I'm needy and desperate.

That may all be true. It may in fact be inarguable.
But I can't completely discount another possibility. Once upon a time I had something going for me that allowed me to "close the deal", so to speak. Whatever it was, I don't have it anymore.
Which is kind of strange because, on some level, I think I'm "better" than I ever was. I'm happier, I'm way less negative (note how hard it is for me to say "more positive"). I have more to offer, more to share with someone. But there is one thing I clearly have less of. Youth. Time etc.

Trying to figure this out is silly. "They're just not into you, dude". That's fine but it still makes me wonder how, once again, I've fallen for women who can't return the feelings.
But maybe that's all it is.
I'm looking at these women and thinking "This is the kind of relationship I should be looking for. This is the kind of woman I could have a real connection with. This is what my new attitude and wisdom have brought me".
I look at them and think "we'd be good for each other".
But maybe these women are just my new fantasies. Different than the old fantasies but as unattainable as ever. And maybe, ultimately, that's the main reason I fall in love with them. Their unattainability.
And if that's true, then I haven't changed at all.
Which would be disappointing but not surprising.

I suspect I'm not going to pursue anything with either of my weekend blind dates. I hope that's not a mistake.